Drowning in Questions

 

That old idiom 'You can't see the wood for the trees' kind of applies to me this week. I've spent the last week feeling sorry for myself and in turns also guilty and angry. None of which is actually any help. I'm writing this post to try and put some of my thoughts down in order to try and clarify them. I need to try and silence deafening din in my head from constant questions, I keep asking myself., problem is every thought seems to be whizzing through so fast I can hardly catch it before another comes along.

I have Fibromyalgia which causes muscle pain and general tiredness, it's one of those conditions that fluctuate and generally I think I cope o.k. with it. A little over a week ago, the sun was out and with spring in it's magical way that it lifts everyone spirits after winter, I was feeling pretty good. Along with family I decided to take a trip to my local woodland, normally they'd go to the pine forest not too far away that is run by the forestry commission. The pine forest is larger and being fully managed it's got hard laid down paths for access and a tea bar for visitors. My local woodland is in my much more magical though to my mind, it's old type of British woodland with a mixture of native trees, all mingled in together, with a carpet of wild flowers beneath them. At this time of year the wood anemone, celandine's, dog mercury and a few daffodils were all showing off their finery with the bluebells looking like they were just waiting to burst forth and carpet the floor with their blue hue. It really is a beautiful spot, somewhere that my family have walked for generations but being local not visited by many other than local people and is a hidden gem.

Basically I overdid it, hindsight being the beautiful thing it is, says I should have rested when others suggested it, instead of pushing on, not wanting to slow the others down or show I was any less capable. I should have taken the shorter path over the stream, which then meander it's way slowly back up the hill instead of staying on the path which lead me to a step hill to climb at the end. I end up in pain and hardly able to move for the past week, which has made me feel tearful and sorry for myself and then guilty because truly there are people with much worst problems than me. Most of all thought I've felt angry with myself. I've got this voice in my head beating me up, asking why did I even think I could walk around the woods like I use too, am I stupid or what. It's not stopped there, it is going on and on asking question after question about my life as it is now and as it was a few years ago, even starting to question what I believe.

Well I don't think I'm stupid but then again the voice has raised some good questions I think I need to find some answers for. I've always fiercely guarded my own independence but at what point does wanting to be independent turn in to pride and vanity refusing to accept help or a change in life realities. I've always chosen to push myself rather than what I see as giving in to anything. I refused to go part time at work though family suggested I should, then other health issues on top of the FM force the issue and I had to leave a job I'd had for over 20 years. I had a secret walking stick that I only used in places I though no one I knew would be likely to see me, till the physios at the hospital pointed out that using the walls to cling on to while walking was not an ideal situation.  I still feel old when I'm using my walking crutch though, when my bodies only in it's 40's and my head still thinks like a teenager it's not a comforting thought. I guess alot of it is pride. Thinking about it, I have stopped doing such alot in the past couple of years, as I've realised that I can't do stuff like I use too. I saw it as being practical rather than giving in. Yet I don't want to think I now won't be able to walk round my local woods ever again. I did enjoy that walk, I took some lovely photos and it made me feel alive, it wasn't the walk that put me in pain, it was my own stubbornness that refused to accept any limitations on what I could do.

I think I need to slow down, try and catch hold of some of those questions whizzing around in my head so that I can pick them apart and find some answers. Instead of clinging on to an image of what I use to do and who I thought I was, it's time to turn on to a fresh new page and discover what I want and can do now.